FAKE IT TILL YOU FEEL IT! For many years, this has been my motto my melancholy days. The last couple of days I've felt that way. Today ends day 2 of my attempts to "fake it till I feel it". In fact, a couple of times today, I would have sold my children cheap if a circus had been in town. Thankfully, those feelings didn't last terribly long and I found myself, once again, so in love with my children that I feel like my heart would burst right out of my chest.
This evening, I mustered the emotional strength to take them to the fountains in downtown. They only had an hour to play (thank you Sandra for putting the time they closed on your blog) and it was empty most of the time we were there. While the kids played in the water, I sat in the shade listening to music and watching the kids enjoy themselves. The kids made me smile most of the time we were there and were successful in lifting my spirits tremendously. It's quite bittersweet since I would give just about anything for Jon to be able to watch them as they frolick in the fountain. In fact, the last time I took the kids out there, Jon spent his lunch hour with me under that same shade tree and picnic table to watch our little ones. He is just that kind of man...a family man through and through. I feel like we've all been cheated out of so many pleasures in life. It's one of those times that I've mentioned before that makes me want to act like a 5 year old and start screaming, crying, stamping my Mary Janes and shouting out the injustice of it all.
Instead, I continue to fake it. I must find the faith and courage to count the blessings that I still have and not focus on what I no longer have. Without further whining...here are three of my greatest blessings...
2 comments:
Jon was watching and smiling and saying aww Jen! He loved all of you soooo much---as you know-all of you were his LIFE! We miss him tooo----soooo much. I cry lots of days and just can't get him off my mind. We, as a family, lost sooo much in his death and I still ask God, almost daily, WHY?
We love you 4 so much and know life is hard.
Remember the comparison of life being like railroad tracks, with the good and the bad all around us running parallel? If we can continue to lean toward that which is good and valuable, when the bad tries to run us over, we will survive and be stronger for it. I believe that is the most prominent reason why your children display such resilience. We all know what is missing, but each day is still filled with ample love and laughter, enough to press forward. You give yourself too little credit. Just breathe & keep clicking your heels together, repeating "this too shall pass". And it does.
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